While we are all lovers of things Jaguar, a person suffering from this disease takes things to the extreme. He or she is consumed by the notion that there is a better Jaguar to be had in trade for the one(s) in the garage. Most of those afflicted do not have the financial wherewithall to support the disease, and end up bankrupt. Those who can support the disease live a peculiar lifestyle. Such a person is distinguished by having an express-mail subscription to Hemmings Motor News, their business card is on file with every major auction house, they are personal friends of "Doc" and all the other major brokers of used Jaguars, have one of the travelling appraisal companies on retainer, and live for those stories of people who bought jags, drove them home and put them in storage with all of the original paperwork and literature. This sort of person buys a home with the main criteria being the amount of land available for garage space and the related zoning restrictions. They also have incredible collections of Jaguar books, literature, advertisements, models, paperweights, keychains, umbrellas, towels, dinnerware, furniture, clothing (including underwear with the leaping cat on the front and the growling face on the back), and imitation road signs (e.g. Jaguar Parking Only, and Yield to Jaguars). The interior of this person's house is decorated predominanantly in BRG and white, with British Flag and chrome accents. The less affluent sufferer merely has the express subscription to Hemmings, and trades cars about once every year or two, having reached the point that they can't imagine that any other car could have as many problems as their particular Jaguar. If bankruptcy doesn't stop this person, eventually they have a breakdown that results in a major personality shift to Jaguarphobia, wherein they buy a Toyota. [cw]
A hatred of all things Jaguar. A state of mind that is usually preceded by Jaguarphilia with insufficient funds. In extreme cases, the afflicted person cycles between the two conditions in a manic-depressive manner. [cw]
Many of us are interested in improving upon some of the quirky little faults that make up the Jaguar personality, especially when they affect the reliability or safety of the particular car. On sporting models, it is also typical to seek performance enhancements, including nonoriginal engines. Such natural desires should not be confused with improvementitis. This person professes to love Jaguars while at the same time detesting every part of the car that was installed by the factory. There is some speculation that this may be related to multiple personality disorders. He or she thinks that NOS stands for Nasty Original Stuff. Any fault in the car is viewed as an excuse to replace some component with a "better" part, often of GM or Delco origin. Such people are often disciples of the owner of John's Cars, live by his Broken Kitty catalog, and turn first to his monthly diatribe in each new issue of Hemmings Motor News. As far as this person is concerned, there is no part in the Jaguar for which a suitable replacement cannot be found at the local discount auto parts store (or by modifying something dragged home from the junkyard). For example, a dirty connector to the ECU means that "the stinking little box should be chucked" and since it is too much trouble to retrofit the Jaguar engine, that should be replaced by a Chevy V8. This leads to a new drivetrain, exhaust system, cooling system, modified suspension, wider wheels, flared fenders, supercharging, a custom fiberglass bonnet with air scoops and a Eurolight conversion, etc. A little static on the radio leads to an all new stereo system in which the boot becomes a sealed bass enclosure (after the rusty rear valence is replaced with a custom fiberglass aero design) and the rear seat becomes an amplifier rack. Then there are the little touches like the Nardi steering wheel, the sheepskin seat covers, the golf-ball shift lever handle, the fuzzy dice, the front and rear spoilers, and the neon underbody illumination. With a complete black-out paint job to hide all of the chrome and black-out window treatment to hide the interior, this person may eventually be satisfied with their XJ-6 and move on to more interesting projects such as hotrodding a Mark V or converting an XK-120 into a dune-buggy. [cw]
Goes something like this: Sailor owns boat. Boat has burned out light in galley. Sailor decides to change bulb. Sailor notices socket is corroded, decides to change socket. Sailor notices wiring frayed while trying to change socket. Sailor decides to change wiring. Sailor notices galley ceiling slats are rotted while changing the wire. Sailor decides galley ceiling slats need changing. Sailor notices ... this goes on and on and on and on and pretty soon, Sailor is undertaking a major renovation of his boat because of a burned out lightbulb. [wz]
Wherein many perfectly functional trim and interior pieces, which looked and worked just fine before the restoration is started, suddenly appear too shabby to use and must be replaced at great cost, after the bodywork is finished and the shining new paint job is applied. [lb]
Often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, the symptoms are that, upon sale of their Jaguar, the patient is simultaneously struck down by dark melancholy, longing and depression at it's loss, while, at the same time, experiencing tremendous relief at finally getting rid of the damn thing and keen anticipation of the coming hunt for a replacement Jaguar. [lb] What do you mean "newly discovered"? I've been suffering ever since I sold my E-type in 1977 (and my wife even said "are you really sure you don't want to keep it and get something else for work?") [rr] In each case, once infection has begun, the cures can only be measured in doses of cubic dollars. [lb]
..in which the sufferer endlessly cleans the nooks and crannies of the car with Q-tips, toothpicks, cotton balls, toothbrushes, etc. And applies an endless stream of Armor-all, Zymol, Lexol, Simichrome and so on to the car. A drive in the car becomes a nightmare in which dump trucks carrying gravel, freshly resurfaced roads, rain, mud, and areas where bugs congregate must be avoided. Small children, dogs, and incontinent elder relatives are forbidden from riding in it. Amazingly, many of these people never show their cars at concours events because of the fear that some judge will discover the carefully touched up chip in the bonnet paint that the owner can still see with a 10X loupe when the light is juuust right. ..cw]
This disease, which resembles procrastination, occurs when the assembler's standards exceed the assembler's perceived skill level, ie. "I can't do the job as well as it should be done." So nothing gets done. There are a couple remedies for Assembler's Malaise: 1. Farm out the job to professionals. Pride and budget constraints often prohibit this. 2. Lower your standards. This is tough to do but a bit easier with an MG than an Aston Martin. One of the lessons of restoring my MG-TC was realizing how poorly the bodies were originally assembled. Usually the two sides didn't match but I wanted them to! 3. Group therapy: ask some friends to help get the job going again. The worst possible manifestation of this disease is a long period of inactivity followed by selling the project - usually at a big loss. Fortunately, subscribers to this list seem to be Can-Do types who are not likely to be afflicted with Asembler's Malaise. We're the ones who track down and buy the rare old Something-or-other which has been apart in some barn for years - and we get it back together again! George - about to begin restoration #4 - Haynes [lb]
Thanks to: [rr] Rob Reilly
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