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Channel IX, 1960 Mark IX

Mon, 13 Oct 1997

"Monday, Monday - so good to me..."

As the sands of an hour glass, so do the Jags of our lives... make some coffee and put up your feet - this is a long one!

Let's say Monday (St. Procrastinatious' day) was not one of our best - I should start at the beginning I suppose although it grieves me to do so.

Up at O crack sparrow, fixed the number plate back on, the new wiper blades, disconnected the battery charger, showered, shaved, dressed girded up the loins and pushed the button - vrooom! - a good omen (or so we thought). Off down the highway, into the morning rush hour traffic and cruised along the motorway at 2,500rpm (the speedo is not working). Motor is sweet, the radio is chattering away quietly in the background and I am full of the joys. There is a smattering of drizzle - new wipers blades - magic! I overtake a truck with a slight tweak on the pedal - we swoosh past very regally. Then, (ahah! you say, the famous "and then") I notice the engine starting to labour a little. A wrinkle crosses my brow. Followed by the knowledge that my stomach does not like the brow getting wrinkled. A slight whiff of hotness drifts past the nostrils. Water? - perfect at 75degC. Oil? - - pressure rock steady at 50psi. Revs now start to drop even though the pedal is steady. Stomach now gathers it's armies of flutters and fires a broadside at my throat. GULP! I pull over and take my foot off the throttle. We quickly stop on the hard shoulder of the motorway - and I haven't even touched the brake pedal! The engine ticks over quietly without missing any precious beats. The f***ing brakes#%!* The pedal will not move a millimeter - it is locked up solid. John, who has been following in the Toyoconobox, parks behind and comes dashing up. "Brakes" I say, "locked up" - "aaahh says John - they used to do that before" "before what?" says me. "Before you rejuvenated the master cylinder". We sit there with the IX rocking gently in the typhoons created by the passing trucks. Shit! We either have to sit there until the system cools or we get a road trailer and carry on the journey to the seatbelt man. We decide John will race back to get a trailer. While I wait there I start to sort out what happens in the brake system. Hmmmm... brakes gradually locking on means oil is not getting back to reservoir as it expands with the heat from the discs/pads/calipers. Master cylinder valve system is not releasing. Hmmmm. open up workshop manual (always kept in the map pocket!) stare at brake diagrams and read text. "When the brake is off, the valve gadget is free enough to allow oil to communicate with the reservoir, enabling the system to recuperate oil lost from the system, for example when bleeding the brakes". Mmmmm... I recalled having taken up the "slack" in the brake pedal mechanism - trying to avoid that dead spot where the pedal seems to do nothing before pressure was felt - - maybe, just maybe I had taken up so much slack that I had inadvertently pressured the valve enough to stop oil passing back to the reservoir. Right! out of the car, into the boot, retrieved the trusty 9/16th spanner and, laying on back in good clean clothes on the side of the motorway with trucks thundering past at 6 zillion mph inches from the family jewels, I slackened off the bolt. Yeah! the brakes freed up. uh oh! John arrives with trailer. Sheepishly I suggest he travels behind for the run to the trimmers "just in case" (it;s only $80 to hire the trailer after all - gulp; more $$$ into the IX account). Only 45 minutes late, we arrive at the trimmers place. A veritable heaven of Connolly leather! MkII seats, XK150 hoods, Kharmann Ghia convertibles and a 351 Mustang being rebuilt to concourse standard. This guy must know his stuff! We leaf through his photo album - carriages, sofas, jackets, Hispano Suizas, Chevvies, Jags, saddles, G strings - you name it, he has restored or built the leather in them! He suggests we call our seatbelt man to get him on the way while he gets the trim off. Humms and hahs over the trim on the B pillars - "just a flick here" he says and off pops the lowers vinyl trim panel, the wood capping slides down and off and then the cigar lighter mounting slides *down* and off. We had spent ages trying to work out how to slide the trims *up* and off - never crossed our minds to try down!

OK, now where's that seatbelt man. Time passes, we peruse the XK150 having a new hood - more time passes, we open the 150 bonnet. Even more time goes by very very slowly. We look again at the dash on the 150 (don't like - no wood!). An hour flashes past at the speed of a racing tortoise. On the batphone "where the #!! is your man?" - "he left 30 minutes ago" - "Well, it seems he has gone East about via Buenos Aries, madam, turn him around right now!" The man arrives some 90 minutes late.

He is sort of apologetic and then proceeds to tell us he can't do the job because it needs an 'engineer' to tell him what plates/bolts/nuts to fit. "I didn't know it was this sort of car" - Jumping Jaguars Batman, does this man drive a van with "Seatbelts installed at your place" painted in 12' high letters on it or what?

We are not gruntled - if fact we are highly dis-gruntled but as time is running out we smile (although our hearts speak scumbag) and suggest he tries to ply his trade elsewhere.

The trimmer man now has had time to recover all the seats at LAX airport and have lunch.

We scramble through the yellow pages for seatbelt installers - blindly stick a pin in the page and dial the number closest. "yes sir, we do belts, now? - no problem, our engineer is right here, he is fully qualified and is approved by the Lord High Angel of Vehicle Testers - bring your treasure to us"

Phew - someone whose brain follows what their mouth says (we hope)!

A five minute drive away and a terribly spotty man (poor thing) takes 30 seconds to say "You need lap and diagonal belts plus a lap strap for the centre, for the front only - no legal need for rear belts", and "you'll need a 2mm plate welded here, a hole in here, here and here and your cigar mounting will need a 10mm hole right... there. These cars can have the other mountings straight into the floor no problem - they built 'em strong then" He chats briefly with another chap with enough metal clipped to his ears, nose and who knows where else, who then says "That will be $550 for the job including the belts. Do you want us to do it now?" YES YES YES YES please ( we will worry about the $$$ later) !!!! but do mind the leather, wood, carpets etc with your welding rods and don't put it into 'park' she'll lock up.

We drive away happy in the knowledge that tomorrow we will pick up the car and get her finally certified. Or will we? Did I see Scully and Mulder nearby?, Will the sun rise tomorrow?

We trundle home still towing the trailer.

This has been one of those experiences you know you will never ever go through again - but wish the situation would arise so you could say "I *know* what to do!"

I do hope you have been enthralled with this saga (unfinished of course, as all good ones are) - all I could think about on the way back was "I must tell the newsgroup - they'll love this one!"

Same time, same channel...

Channel IX


Saloons

MK VII-IX

 

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